The Perfume Paradox

Greetings dear friends,

This is Dr. Kinetics! After a very long pause, I am here again… to remind you that I am not a doctor. Do not mistake my qualification for an MD. (That would make me MaD!) I am a scientist and I have achieved two PhD’s (Passing Hardly with any Difficulty!) and… now I’m going to write this article for an engineering college’s magazine. I post my profound findings (seldom recognized by the Counsel of Intellectuals) on my blog ‘Ramblings of a MAD Scientist’. I’m not mad! M.A.D. stands for My Application’s Denied (by the Counsil). However, I’m also a member of the Parliament of Backyard Philosophers. You may pretend you are listening!

Now that my introduction is over, once again, let me explain to you the conclusions of my new research. A friend of mine, Torque Singh, recently observed and pointed out to me a very curious fact. And so I decided to get to work on it. Have you never noticed how Axe deodorants never actually work on men, tough the advertisements depict otherwise? Well, they are not fooling you. They cannot, since you are already fools. No, they are just mistaken. You see, women do not appreciate axe as much as men. Women appreciate feminine perfumes.

When I was researching Binaural waves (Alpha, Beta, Delta, Theta, and Omega), I noticed something. The pheromones from the hair of a women (be it a lab assistant or a secretary or just a lovely visitor) are most compelling waves themselves. Now what is it that enhances these pheromones?
I also observed that women prefer chocolate over men. Men do not prefer so much of chocolate. Perhaps we’re jealous, but that’s beside the point. Could chocolate be the factor enhancing the pheromones? I verified it later.

So the Axe manufacturers thought of this too. They tried bringing up chocolate flavors. No progress for the men. Women still prefer chocolate. Something’s still missing. And I concluded: Since men like Axe so much women should use Axe to attract men, and since women like feminine perfumes (such as Dior and Chanel No. 5) so much, it only makes sense if the male half of humanity makes a dive for it.

This lovely scent is the second most powerful wave to have hit me since the Binaural waves (which the Counsel believes is responsible for what they assume is my dementia). If this theory of mine could be put immediately to application, I could guarantee myself a Nobel Prize.

Please ‘stay tuned’. Bye for now!

Madly yours

Dr. Kinetics( MS, PhD, PhD and so on to infinity)

The Parliament of Backyard Philosophers

Greetings dear friends!

I would like to begin with some good news. No, I have still not been acknowledged by the Counsel of Intellectuals. And I have decided not to submit my ‘Hen and Egg’ research until they do so. However, I have been specially invited to join the Parliament of Backyard Philosophers at The Profound Words of Wisdom . I have been invited by Miss Philter Kaapi and my invitation has been supported by the votes of the majority. So I see that my intelligence has not been completely overlooked by this world.

So this would be my first(and hopefully not my last) article as a member of the Parliament. You may pretend that you are listening! I am Dr. Kinetics. I am NOT a doctor! I am a scientist. A theoretical Physicist, to be precise. I have two PhDs. I am aware that you do not and that I am much much smarter than you. I write articles which are a valuable source of intelligence on Ramblings of a MAD Scientist. MAD stand for ‘My Application’s Denied’, signifying my lack of recognition at the Council. I can therefore not join the other intellectuals... as of yet. PhD does not stand for ‘Passed With High Difficulty’. On the contrary, I exceeded the expectation of all my high school examiners every time I appeared at the examination hall. PhD means ‘Doctor of Philosophy’ and I am here to share with you my philosophy.

I would like to discuss with you the concept of imaginary numbers. No, I am not talking about your dream salary or cooked up math score or the number of degrees your great great grand daughter has. I am talking about the numbers which are multiples of the square root of negative one (-1).

Let us consider this integer (-1). It is not a natural number. This does not mean we produce such numbers in the factory. It merely means that you cannot count in negatives. Imagine two kids playing hide and seek. One of them closes his eyes and counts: “zero, minus one, minus two, minus three…”. It’s not possible! You cannot have negative quantities, even if you travel back in time or live life counting your age like Benjamin Button (a curious case indeed). And hence you cannot count in negatives. Well, unless you’re counting your score in an exam or quiz which involves negative marking for every mistake you make and you have not done well enough to balance it with sufficient right answers.

So i(Greek alphabet iota) would be an imaginary number if it is the square root of (-1). And i6789.5463 would be an imaginary number too. Because you cannot practically find the square root of (-1). That’s like finding liquid water at 0 K (Zero Kelvin or absolute zero, below which no temperature can be measured). In other words, you cannot do that. You may put that calculator away! An imaginary number is used only for theoretical purposes by Theoreticians (yes, like me).

A few days back I did a small research on the Parliament. In other words, I had a look through the blog. I notice that Kachaguli Pencil specializes in artistic sketches and uses it to skillfully humiliate his former English teacher who definitely must have been quite a disaster. I enjoy his sense of humor. Swami Unknownananda has gone away to seek his wisdom under a Bhodi tree. Masala Chai has bitten back what he was about to say. He will let you know what it is when the right time arrives. And last but not the least, Philter Kaapi is the great philosopher whose spectrum of dealings ranges from whether New Year’s eve is to be slept through or not, to How Not To Woo A Girl. I’d say that’s amazing! If we could all find out what we're not supposed to do, then we’d probably become experts in what we do DO. I’m going to follow this blog’s instructions (or rather anti-instructions) and see if I do succeed in winning my true love…

*Cough! Cough!* Ahem! I hope that introduces me now. Anyway, my posts will henceforth be visible on The Profound Words of Wisdom as well, so please ‘stay tuned’. Bye for now!

Madly yours

Dr. Kinetics( MS, PhD, PhD and so on to infinity)

Eggs Vs Chicken

Dear friends,

I have been asked quite rightfully by a young friend of mine as to why I am not called Dr. Dr. Kinetics when I have two PhDs. Sigh! Unfortunately, we great minds must remain modest. You see, that is the key to greatness! If I called myself Dr. Dr. Kinetics, then you would probably think that I am too proud of my research and findings. Now that is definitely not correct, although you would not find many geniuses in this part of the world today who could have done so much genuine and dedicated research on Binaural Waves, Omega Waves and... at this point my modesty prevents me from continuing.

The actual reason why I am probably not being referred to as Dr. Dr. Kinetics is because the council is still (stubbornly) refusing to accept my research as genuine. Some believe that Omega Waves ought to be considered as a part of Binaural Spectrum(I, of course, disagree). Some other also believe that a number of German scientists were researching these Omega Waves and would have been given the credit they deserve had I not 'accidentally' discovered these particular waves thanks to a 'blunder' I committed with my Wave experiment.(Bah! These Germans have always had some excuse or the other to persecute either Jews or me.) However, most of the council, for some reason, agrees on one thing. They believe that I have been affected by the Omega Waves. I find this offending! How could they even consider Omega Waves as Binaural? They do not even fit in the specified bandwidth (or frequency range)!

I, however, am not concerned about the council’s opinion of my research. And I’m also aware that you will kill me the next time I mention either 'binaural' or 'Omega' or 'wave' in this post. But my friend mentioned earlier has brought to my notice an important question about this universe which has for long been left unanswered. I, Dr. Kinetics (MSc, PhD, PhD), however, decided to do some studying (yes, just as I did in High School and College, but with better experience now). And after several trails and errors, my great mind has finally come to a conclusion.

Did the hen come first or was it an egg? Interesting and challenging! Hens and eggs are essential elements of the reproductive life cycles of the Gallus gallus domesticus (i.e. hens). Initially, this might seem ambiguous to the average mind. Don’t worry! I have already done the research. In fact, maybe I should submit this to the council and see if I could get accepted as one of them. Maybe they would award me another PhD and I would then be known as Dr. Dr. Dr. Kinetics.

To get to the bottom of this, I decided to go to the best place with the right ambiance for this sort of research. If there was anywhere in the world where I could get the right solution to this problem, it was here. I then realized exactly what Gautama Bhudda experienced under that Bhodhi tree. The bliss of understanding and realization! There I stood in front of the counter of . . . KFC! And so I ordered two Fillers and strawberry-flavored Crusher (to wash it all down). And after I had settled the problem of my hunger (which was the bigger issue), I decided to tackle the smaller aspects of my quest.

A small question arose in a particular corner of my mind. We all know that Urea was the first organic substance discovered to have been obtained from inorganic matter. We also know that Amoeba was the first living cell from which all greater forms of life(yes, such as mankind) had evolved. We also know that vegetarians refrain from eating Chicken. Now… is egg accepted as food by vegetarians? This question was challenging and kept me thinking for a while. The Indians invented zero, which appears like an egg. Due to its lack of independent value, zero is placed before all real numbers when arranged in ascending order. So the egg comes first! But then, how could an egg appear without a hen to lay it? And where could a hen be brought from when there are no eggs. And if both the vegetarians and non-vegetarians attack what little eggs we have for our daily morning experiments (boiled, scrambled or Omelets) then how could we great minds arrive at solutions at all? However, since zero has hardly any face value, it is not very difficult to find an egg. A KFC filler cost me much more than that. So I guess, it would have been the egg which was first brought into existence. 'The egg ' was probably at that stage the ultimate form of evolution. Never did the scientists back then realize that it was destined... to be served on breakfast-plates.

This discovery opened several doors in my mind. I felt quite enlightened. I wondered, at that moment, if this was what Albert Einstein often experienced during his days. Today, I have answered this trivial question with an ingenious solution. Tomorrow, perhaps I could try answering more complex challenges. Maybe I could try to conduct a study and figure out why we men have never been able to understand women. Hmm… but maybe I shouldn’t get too ambitious. I ought to leave some of these issues unsolved for the Germans. Well, GUTEN GL√úCK to them!

If you have any queries about how this universe is run by the laws of nature or about the different interesting theories revolving our lives on this planet, please feel free to send me an email at doctor.madscientist.kinetics@gmail.com and I shall respond to you as soon as I have completed my current list of researches. And if you are telepathic, please visit me some time. I would like to test my EEG and see if it still works. The last time I tried, the frog died. My conclusion was that the frog was not intelligent enough to satisfy the EEG test. You, however may be a lot more potent.

Special thanks to ‘a random reader 123’ and all my other readers across this globe, for all the words of encouragement. And now, I shall get back to… saving the world from... the wrath of... the chickens.

Dr. Kinetics (MSc, PhD, PhD)

M.A.D.

Greetings, dear friends!

I am Dr. Kinetics. I am NOT a doctor. I am a scientist! After obtaining my master’s degree, I proceeded to work towards obtaining a PhD. No! I did not Pass with High Difficulty. 'PhD' means I am a Doctor of Philosophy. Er, yes… I do have my own philosophy to share. During my research on Binaural Waves (You know, Alpha, Beta, Delta, Theta which constitute the ‘Om’), I also accidentally discovered the Omega Waves (which incidentally causes insanity among men who are exposed to these waves). I have therefore obtained 2 Ph.D.s so far. I am a Theoretical Physicist. This does not necessarily mean that I blindly believe in theory. And I do NOT get physical during arguments. But enough about me for now! Mine is a very tall story. Because I stand a bit more than six feet and two inches.

I will be sharing with you some of my theories and my explanations for them in this blog. Because, I fear, if I do not then they shall all pass into nothingness. Now that would be very sad.

You must have heard about(or even watched) ‘The Big Bang Theory’. 'Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery! It all started with the BIG BANG!’ Oh, how much I just LOVE that show. It’s so damn hilarious and Sheldon Cooper is my favorite. And... um, oh! *cough*

When you read the title of this blog as “Ramblings of a Mad Scientist”, you might jump to the absolutely and terribly wrong conclusion that I am insane and that what I tell you is nonsense. But what you might not have realized is that MAD stands for ‘My Application’s Denied”. Which means, my application to join the council of intellectuals has been denied! Sigh! After all that genuine research and ingenious findings!

If you have any queries about life or the way this world functions, you are welcome to ask the genius(me, of course). If there is anything you would like me to discuss in the next post, please let me know. You could send me an email(unless you are telepathic, which would make you quite interesting and I would have to run an EEG on you later). Email me at doctor.madscientist.kinetics@gmail.com and I shall answer all your questions on the next post. So please 'stay tuned'. No, you do not have to connect a LCR Series Acceptor Circuit to your brain. You just have to keep visiting my blog whenever I post a new article(for the benefit of this world).

Now, I must get back to my intellectual work. Please excuse me! I have a world to save from the terrible hands of religion, faith and blind beliefs. Sigh! Theory! Who needs it anyway?


Dr. Kinetics (MSc, PhD, PhD)